The Dog With No Dictionary Joke (Under Examination)

Bill Harvey from Edinburgh wrote:

Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

I have been inspired by your approach to re-engineering of old jokes to try it myself. I found this old joke under the spare bed:

Man 1: My dog's got no nose
Man 2: How does he smell?
Man 1: Terrible!

As you'll agree, this joke is sturdy but not very modern. After many hours of effort, I have re-engineered it into this new, post-modern version.

Man 1: My dog's got no dictionary.

Man 2: How does he spell "terrible"?

This version is much more efficient - saves a whole line of dialogue. Do you think it would be acceptable as a German joke? I hope it's good enough to win your pig's head poster.

The Smelly Fish Joke (Under Examination)

Paul Steed from Harrogate wrote:

Paul Steed from Harrogate wrote: Dear Herren, here is a joke about a different kind of bird. There were two parrots sitting on a perch and one says to the other "Do you smell fish?"
Knyaz' in Harrogate

Dear Paul,
phew, what a challenge, but you have obviously come to the right place. To commence our proprietary German "Parrot Joke Reengineering (TM)" technique, we require a few bits of information.

a) What does the other parrot reply?

b) What kind of household did these parrots live in? Was it an English household, an American one, or perhaps a German household, where they may have picked up additional funny punchlines?

c) Are you sure they are parrots?

Thank you for your further cooperation in this matter. As usual, we will not charge for this repair job.

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Dead Wasp Joke (Corrected)

John in London wrote:

Dear Herrs,

Here is a joke that I hope will appeal to the German sense of the ridiculous .... (I am not holding my breath, however).

A man walks down a street, and enters a shop. He spends a few minutes browsing round the shop, and then apporaches the check-out desk.

"Hello", he says, "I would like a dead wasp, please".

The shopkeeper replies "I beg your pardon sir? This is a Chemist shop - we only sell medicines and bathroom products".

The man says "Yes, I know this is a Chemist shop, thank you. However, I would like to buy a dead wasp".

The shopkeeper is a little perplexed "Sir, this is a Chemist shop. We do not sell dead wasps."

The man replies in a triumphant tone: "Aha! So why have you got one in the window then?!"

Hahahahahahahaha !!!!!

Dear John,

thank you for your recent joke donation. We find this a joke of correct length, with an easily identified punchline and many other trappings of a good joke, such as a dead animal. So why is your joke not funny?

Well, sometimes it is originality that counts. This could show in a punchline that nobody has come up with before, and which therefore utterly surprises the audience. So in this case, the corrected, German grade version of your joke replaces its lame punchline ("Aha! So why have you got one in the window then?!") with the following witty monologue:

"Mate, this wasp wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised! It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This wasp is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! This is an Ex-Wasp!"

As you can immediately tell, a tiny injection of German originality has transformed your so-so, respectable joke into a feast of laughter.

Keep them Coming !

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Rodent Joke from England (Under Examination)

Alan Crease from the Royal Grammar School in High Wycombe wrote:

I believe I invented this one in 1977.

- Do the Germans have a favorite rodent?

- Ja, vole !

Verstanden, Herr Kallenbrecher?

The "If Pigs Could Talk" Joke (Satisfactory)

Markus Plaum vom Alberta, Canada, wrote:

Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,

Since you seem to like pigs, here's one that you might find funny.

What did the pig say when the butcher grabbed him by the tail?

That is the end of me !

Alternate Canadian punch line:

Do your Wurst !

The Cheap Bar Joke (Corrected)

Jim, Wales, wrote:

Hallo,

This is a joke which I found in a cheap joke book, it goes:

A man walks into a bar, Ouch! he says.

Let me explain: Normally a 'bar joke' involves someone going into a pub or a bar and saying something funny but in this case the bar refers to a metal rod or bar of iron. So in this joke the man hits his head on the bar which makes him say Ouch.

How can this joke be improved?

Dear Jim,

thank you for your recent joke donation. You are right, this is a joke with a lot of potential, because bars are really funny. But quite obviously, the people who edit your "cheap joke book" lacked the resources to include a matching punchline. This is where our proprietary German "bar joke reengineering" skills come in.

A systematic examination of your cheap joke reveals two errors. First, which bar owner would place a metal rod anywhere onto his premises, so that his patrons hurt themselves? This is very stupid, and punishable under Order Code §§ 22b-n in the German Beer Bar Administration laws. Second, now that there is no metal rod, there is no reason to say "Ouch". So this confusing term can simply be eliminated from the joke. Which brings us to the improved version of this joke.

>>> A man walks into a bar. Ein Bier bitte! he says. Hahahahahaha ! <<<

Isn't this funny? Try telling the original version of your joke to your friends and loved ones - and then this version. They will quickly find the final, German grade version less confusing, and also much more consistent with their everyday life experiences.

Keep them laughing !

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Not Your Grandfather's Magician Joke ! (Under Examination)

Pete Riesett from Baltimore in Maryland wrote:

I have an old one that came from my grandfather, whose parents were born in Germany:

Did you ever hear the one about the magician who walked down the street and turned into a drugstore?

Get it? The magician "turned into" a drugstore. You know, like, magic.

Then, there's the American joke, started by a few German immigrants.

Did you ever hear the one about the guy with the Midas touch? Everything he touched turned into a muffler !

There is a car muffler shop in America called "Midas", you see.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Joke About Pink Fluff (Under Examination)

Madeleine Merchant wrote:

You surely can't make this one any funnier ! It's my favourite.

Q: What's pink and Fluffy?

A: Pink Fluff !

The Joke About Intercourse with Dutch people (Under Examination)

Greg Bell from North London wrote:

An Irishman walks into a brothel in Hamburg and says "I want sex, how much?" The Madame, who is Dutch, says "Well normally one lady costs 50 Euros, but I can let you have sechs for only 250!"

See, it's a bilingual pun on the English word for 6 and the German word for sex, or maybe the other way round, but either way very clever, and involves FOUR European nationalities. How beautifully symmetric is that, hmm?

The Mauer Joke from Bromsgrove (Under Examination)

Seb Atay from Bromsgrove, England, wrote:

I have recently been studying Germany in the Mauerzeit, so I thought I should send you two english jokes I pucked up about this period. I hope you can Germanify them sufficiently for them to have a greater level of humour !

An English army officer takes his brother to visit the wall. A few months later, when he returns back to England, he shwos his wife a piece of the wall that he pulled out whilst on his trip. She looks at him angrily and says, "Stupid man! Think about what would happen if everybody did that!"

Just before the 1972 Olympics is due to start, the DDR Vice Minister for Sport runs hurriedly up to the office of his superior. "How is the team?" his superior asks. "Well, I have to admit we're having a few problems." "Really?" his boss replies. "How come?" "Well", the minister replies nervously, "Everyone that could swim, run or jump has already left".

The Smelly Dog Joke (Perfect like it is)

Steve Reszetniak from England wrote:

Meine Herren Kunz und Kallenbrecher. Es gibt hier etwas witziges aus England.

First Man: My dog doesn't eat meat.

Second Man: Really? How does he smell?

First Man: He wasn't very pleased!

Hilarious, I am sure you will agree.

A fine joke not to be sniffed at. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Salted Peanut Joke (Under Examination)

Chris Wilson from Chorley, England, wrote:

Two peanuts were walking down the street - one was assaulted (a salted - get it?)

The Bar Joke from Texas (Beyond Repair)

Jim Schmidt from Dalles, Texas, wrote:

Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,

Loved your website, I'm sending the link to my father so he can join in the fun ! I was reading through some of the jokes submitted, and I remembered one. It's an old bar joke but a good one:

... So these two guys walk into a bar ... which is really stupid because the first guy should have seen it !!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(as you like to say ....)

Jim Schmidt

Howdy Jim,

excellent, your father is going to be very proud of you for submitting a joke with such huge potential.

Now, before we commence or proprietary German Joke Reengineering (tm) process, we need to collect a bit of information. a) Where is this bar located? b) Can you think of any additional elements that would make the joke funnier, such as a barman, or a bottle of traditional Texan Johnny Walker whiskey? c) Which category do you think fits your submission best - jokes about drunk people, or jokes about blind people?

We eagerly await your answer,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

Jim Schmidt from Dalles, Texas, answered:

Thanks for the reply, and I'm glad you enjoyed the joke I submitted.
However, I have a few things I want to point out. First of all, hardly
anybody in Texas (especially Dallas) says "howdy" these days. "How y'all
doin?" is heard more often.

To answer your questions, part a.) Where is
this bar located? - It doesn't matter where the bar is located, that's of
no significance.

Part b.) No additional elements are required, it is a
simple joke and should stay this way. That makes it quick and easy to tell.

I used to use this joke as a conversation starter in a bar to find out if
the person I was telling it to had a sense of humor, or at the very least
some imagination. If I told them the joke and they "got it," then I'd know
I was dealing with a person of some amount of intelligence. If I told them
the joke and they did NOT "get it," then I knew the person was a dolt, and
off I'd go. Also, for your information, a "traditional" Texas whisky would
be Jim Beam or Jack Daniels, which are both produced in the U.S, not Johnny
Walker,(which is actually scotch) that is produced in Scotland.

Lastly, part c.) What category does this fit into? I think maybe it fits
into jokes about drunk people who aren't watching where they are going.
Good luck and Godspeed with your reengineering project, however, I don't
think this old joke needs any fixing.

Jim

Dear Jim,

greetings to the Wild West ! It is funny you mention how you use your joke as an "intelligence test". We have a very similar tradition in Germany. Our Herr Kunz vor example, after telling a joke, regularly lets his dates draw an organisational chart of its plot and have them identify the punchline. He says that this procedure is well worth the extra day or so.

As to the joke you sent in for repair, we fully agree that it has great potential. Still, a thorough German reengineering job does require the additional information we asked for.

Naturally, we will not charge for this service.

Thanks in advance, and Yeehah!, as the Texans say !

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Improved Duck Joke (Under Examination)

Katy Wright, USA, wrote:

Hello,

I have rewritten the Duck Joke ! I think it is funnier.

A guest in a diner calls the waiter over and complains that his duck is "just skin and bones". And the dumm-kopf waiter replies "oh, feathers are extra."

*** Katy, a student from Indiana in the US, has sent us 7 more jokes, which are currently being evaluated and processed by the humour registration and evaluation board at the German Ministry for Humour and Humour Related Imports (MHH). They were so funny that we had to take them off our website for the time being. New versions, fit for public consumption, will be online later this year. ***

The "No Politics Please ! Joke" (Corrected)

Lone, London, wrote:

Dear Kunz and Kallenbrecher,

I read this joke a while ago in the highly esteemed British paper The Sun and I feel that it could greatly improve with a German touch.

"What is the similarity between the war in Iraq and the new Brad Pitt movie Troy? They both started out with Paris creating a hell of a problem."

First of all, I do not see the connection at all with Brad Pitt and Jacques Chirac. Where does Schröder come into it? This is not funny at all and for the first time I found myself disappointed in The Sun, a paper I normally consider a bona fide bearer of the truth.

Dear Lone,

we understand your problem all too well. While you rightly describe The Sun as a stalwart of truth, the creation of jokes requires at least one other ingredient: humour. This is where your submitted joke is in desparate need of repair work. Back to the drawing board !

First of all, we have no idea why you are taking about Jacques Chirac, Gerhard Schröder and other politicians. You are only complicating things ! But we can see where your problems come from.

The war in Iraq started with "Paris", the capital of France, causing all kinds of "trouble" for the Americans and British. Are you following? And in the new Brad Pitt movie "Troy", it is quite another "Paris" who is causing trouble. Yes, this time it is "Paris", the Prince of Troy, who was the son of king Priam and his queen Hecuba ! Ha ha. This is where it gets really funny.

So here, finally, comes our corrected version:

"What is the similarity between the war in Iraq and the new Brad Pitt movie Troy? They both started out with Paris creating a hell of a problem, which is really funny, because in both cases, "Paris" means something different. In the first case, it is used as a synonym for the French government - and in the second case, we are talking about the Prince of Troy whose name is "Paris" ! Ha ha ha ha ha !"

We are sure you agree, Lone. Our awesome new, extended punchline has turned a lame excuse for a joke into a proper, high-performance joke, worthy even of the seal of approval by the German Ministry for Humour and Humour Related Exports !

Best regards and keep those lame jokes coming,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The "There's Something About Queen Mary" Joke (Beyond Repair)

Joachim K from Germany wrote:

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abacadabra - two tickets for the new Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish .. So the fairy made circle with her magic stick and - abacadabra - the husband became 92 years old.

Der Joachim,

thank you for this great joke ! Unfortunately, out of respect for our British fans, we are at this point unable to work with joke material that involves British Royalty. We are sure you understand.

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Tricky Newspaper Joke (Corrected)

Aboo from Dublin wrote:

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,

This is a joke, which I hope will be appreciated as I tried to implement the German style of humour, and adding perhaps how you would phrase these.

Herr Kunz: One of my friends went into a newsagents to buy a newspaper, but he had to walk out.

Herr Kallenbrecher: That's an awful shame, why did he have to do that?

Herr Kunz: Because he forgot his wallet

(cue laughter)

Cheers,

Aboo

Der Aboo,

what a wonderful joke. It keeps the reader on the edge of their seat till the end, when the punchline is finally revealed. Still, after running this through our proprietary Brilliant Joke Polishing (tm) loop over here in Germany, we were able to come up with a slight improvement.

See, in this joke, the punchline is not only massively funny, but also makes you think a little. So a seasoned German comedian would repeat this line for at least a second time, just louder. With this in mind, here is our corrected version of this otherwise fabulous Irish entry into our competition:

Herr Kunz: One of my friends went into a newsagents to buy a newspaper, but he had to walk out.

Herr Kallenbrecher: That's an awful shame, why did he have to do that?

Herr Kunz: Because he forgot his wallet.

(no laughter)

Herr Kunz, louder: BECAUSE HE FORGOT HIS WALLET !

(roaring laughter)

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha !

Respectfully,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Incredibly Funny Joke for People Who Laugh about Goethe (Perfect as it is)

John, in London, wrote:

This is a joke that I thought might appeal slightly to you, as it has a German guy in it (I won't tell you who yet, as it's the punchline).

A man goes for a job on a building site (note, it is not a Turkish guy on a German construction site, but it could be perhaps?). The foreman interviews him. First, he holds up a brick and says "What is this?". The man replies, "it's a brick". "Good", says the foreman, "and what do we do with bricks?" "Well, we stack them up and use cement to stick them together to make walls", replies the man.

The forman then holds up a roofing tile, "and what is this?", he asks. "It's a roofing tile", says the man. "And what do we do with roofing tiles?" asks the foreman. "Well, we lay them so they overlap and form a roof".

"Very good", says the foreman, "and now here is the really difficult final question; what's the difference between a girder and a joist?"

The man thinks for a long time and then says, "well, that is a hard one, but is the answer that Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses?"

Hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! (as you are very fond of typing).

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The "Animals Without Legs" Joke (Corrected)

Heidi wrote:

Here is a really, really ridiculously funny joke.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? 'Cause 7 8 9 (seven ATE nine .... hahahahahaha!)

Didn't you love it? How could you not? In case you didn't, here's another:

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Hahahahahahaha!

Do they get any better than that? I think not.

Dear Heidi,

we could not agree more, these jokes are absolutely hilarious. Maybe you are the one who wins the Original Pig Head Poster when the finalists are drawn later this month.

Still, we have to take issue with the second joke you submitted. While we appreciate the matching and logical punchline - a cow with no legs has no choice but to be in close contact with the "ground", so that "ground beef" makes for a perfect description - we still think that it discriminates against poor animals.

What about all the donkeys without legs? Chicken without legs? Or - and this one is particularly funny - pigs without legs? In our authoritative, corrected, German-Grade version of your joke, we try to be more inclusive.

What do you call a farm animal with no legs? Ground farm animal! Hahahahahahahaha!

You see, even a great joke can still improve with a German touch.

With humorous greetings to all the other animal lovers out there,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The Other Lame Bar Joke ! (Corrected)

Lawrence Barnes wrote:

Hi Guys,

I hope you like this one.

A German walks into a bar and sees a beautiful lady sitting in the corner. He wants to impress her, so he decides to buy her a drink. He turns to the barman and says, "two Martinis, please", to which the barman replies, "dry", and the German says, "nein zwei".

As you can see it is a play on the word "dry" which sounds like "drei", meaning three in German. I hope this raised a giggle or two.

Hello Lawrence,

excellent, we really loved this joke. So this guy wants to impress a beautiful lady by buying her a drink? Why would this impress her? Isn't this what people in bars do, buy drinks? Would this not be like taking her to the butcher's and ordering two pig heads? Ha, what a stupid guy !

Still, you get a much shorter and "crisper" joke if you leave out all the confusing stuff after the punchline,especially the conversation with the barman which we found a bit hard to follow. So our correct version of your joke would be as follows:

A German walks into a bar and sees a beautiful lady sitting in the corner. He wants to impress her, so he decides to buy her a drink. Hahahahahahahaha!

Cheers,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

The "How to Catch a Moose" Joke (Corrected)

Bill, Alaska, wrote:

Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,

Here is a 'joke' from the Great White North:

"How do you catch a moose? First, you dig a hole. Then you put a pea in the hole. When the moose comes to pea, you kick him in the hole".

Ha Ha ha ha ha.

Dear Bill,

thank you for your submission, which provides an excellent example of a joke that has a lot of potential, but does not quite "get there". We cannot at this point promise that the Moose Joke is going to make it all the way to the finals, and you the winner of an original Kunz and Kallenbrecher Pig Head Poster, but it sure looks like a winner !

So let us see. What is wrong with this joke?

Well, the moose is a funny animal indeed, but, it is not as funny as many other animals. So first of all, let us apply our highly proprietary "funny animal substitution" technique. Forget about the moose ! Let us talk about a pig instead ! Ha ha ha !

Second, the act of catching a pig, as described in the joke, seems overly complicated. This is not how you really catch a pig, or any other animal ! No ! You catch a pig by putting a rope around its neck and pulling hard.

This has the added advantage of eliminating the "pea", which really confused us. We have no idea why it even appears in this joke.

So here goes your final, "corrected" version of the joke.

How do you catch a pig? You put a rope around its neck and pull ! Hahahahahahahahaha

As you immediately see, this joke is not only shorter, it also has a matching punchline - and a much funnier animal in it. Germany is laughing with you,

Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher

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