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Old Mustard
Below is your old mustard.
Valya Woodstock from Chicago wrote:
I never MET a German who could tell a joke. I think your website if funny. I have met Norwegians who could tell a good joke, and Polish people who tell jokes but not Germans. As a matter of fact, among the Germans I know even under threat of punishment, they cannot tell a joke, they just stutter. I am something like 4th generation American, and am part German, Swiss, Norwegian, Irish, English. I always believed that my ancestors came to the land of America and met & married, without understanding or speaking the language of their spouse, only made children with the language of love (and booze).
Valya Woodstock
Tom Tewksbury from Massachussetts wrote:
Although many Americans will disagree with the concept of German humor ... according to the great psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, it does exist ... and can be found "somewheres between the barnyard and the labido. Cheers,
Tom Tewksbury
Manjit Dosanjh from the UK wrote:
Dear Herren Kunz and Kallenbrecher,
You will recently have received a letter from a friend of mine called Harald Maurer, an Austrian fan of your web site. He sends me examples of the best of German humour. He cannot see that this is precisely the nub of the problem – this really is the best that German humour can muster. Could you please advise how I can make him see that I realise that this is indeed the best of German humour and this is exactly the point that I have been trying to make for the last few months? I have tried to tone down my sense of humour as far as I can but perhaps I have not gone far enough? Any help you can give would be much appreciated as he has one of the worst cases of German humour that I have ever come across. Despite having lived in this country for a number of years his condition does not appear to have improved much. Should I try to ease him away gently or maybe go ‘cold turkey’? I hope you can help. I would hate to see an enemy suffer in such a way, let alone a friend. Yours sincerely
Manjit Dosanjh
Dear Mr Dosanjh,
we suggest you have him ride on a British train.
Hahahahaha,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Harry Maurer from Cheshunt, England, but actually from Austria, wrote:
Sehr geehrte Herren Kunz and Kallenbrecher!
Can you please help me in a dispute with my dear Friend Herr Manjit Dosanh. I have pointed him to your web site and also explained some of your jokes to him, but he would not bulge and see that you are very funny and the quintessential and best of German Humour. (It just shows, you can lead a horse to the stable but you can not ride it in there) I fear that there might to great a cultural gap between Herr Manjit and myself, an Austrian dedicated to the bewilderment of german Humour, as you can quite clearly see from his name, Herr Manjit Dosanh is not German. I believe he is actually and originally from the United States as he always sends me this very funny Bush jokes how great Herr Bush and his English freund Herr Blair are. Makes me laugh no end. How can I make him laugh in the same way???
Harald Maurer Cheshunt, England
PS.: Admittedly, after the last very funny joke from your web site I did send him, he did send me a reply to say: “Please, I give up, I will tell you anything you want to hear…” Clearly a first positive sign from him so far!
Dear Mr Maurer,
we suggest you have him ride on a British train.
Hahahahaha,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Dave Eelen who works for Volvo wrote:
Hello Herrn Kunz & Kallenbrecher, Here's my senf, no offence meant, I've heard this joke from an old man in (the Luftkürort) Gemünd last week: Q: What did Hitler say to his men when he wanted to show them the new tanks? A: Men, I'll show you the new tanks.
Henning Wehn from Tooting wrote:
What a meticulously funny website. Hahahahahahahahahaha.
And now hats off for my contribution: Two
fat blokes go to the pub. Says the first one "Your round".
Says the other one: "So are you, you fat bastard!"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
That's a so-called wordplay as you might know.
Auf geht's Deutschland !
Henning, German
Comedy Ambassador (www.henningwehn.de)
"Harvey" Mccammon from GE Infrastructure wrote:
I find your German Humour to be of exquisite
taste! My laughter was quite appropriate for the content of
the joke. Not only was the laughter appropriate but, it was
also not lacking in volume and texture. It might have been
influenced by the Gewürztraminer Wine that I was drinking
while listening to the Dirty Joke.
"Harvey"
Dear Jon,
while discussing your laughing habits
in such a public place commands respect, we still think that
there are certain things that belong in the private realm.
For your protection, we have changed your first name in the
above posting, no longer calling you "Jon" and therefore
guarding your privacy in this matter. For the future, you
may want to explore the many other ways that exist to react
to a good joke. Slowly nodding in approval and muttering 'oh
what a good joke', rather than laughing, can avoid many of
the beforementioned problems.
Yours sincerely,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Allen Renderman (Rindermann) from Wisconsin (USA), wrote:
I found your site looking for humorous German
signs and shirts.
Anna Sweitert from the USA wrote:
I don't usually send emails to people, but
- I have to say - your website is funny. Of course, I think
I am biased in that my parents emigrated from Austria to the
USA (They are German, though). Long story, goes back to Prinz
Eugene. Anyway, growing up in Chicago around lots of German
humor, I know funny when I see it. Of course, no one laughs
at my jokes either. But what do they know!
Anna S
El Kabong (elk1956@hotmail.com) wrote:
Your jokes are not funny, your website is
lame. The whole thing sucks greedn diseased donkey d****
nine feet long.
Dear El Kabong,
thank you for your humour submission.
Our team of engineers is currently analysing your efforts
in-depth, but in the meantime, we would like to take the opportunity
to point out two areas for immediate improvement.
First, the term "diseased donkey
d****" (DDDs) is a loverly alliteration. Still, there
is nothing inherently funny about DDDs. This could easily
be rectified by replacing it with "crusty capterpillar
c****".
Second, the addition of the word "green"
adds a pungent tang to the DDDs, of course, but, once again,
it is widely recognized that green is simply not a funny
colour. A much better alternative is "yellow",
which is funny by its very nature.
We are confident that you will appreciate
these improvements to your initial effort and we will endeavour
to send you further corrections once our in-depth analysis
is complete.
Yours sincerely,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Paul "Hero" Brown from Haddenham, Bucks, wrote:
Someone told me there are more comedy clubs
in Berlin than there are in London. Is that true?
Cheers,
Paul
Yes, it is true.
Please check out these:
Bundeskanzleramt
Bundestag
Bundesrat
Bundesministerium für Verteidigung
Bundesministerium für Wirtschaft
und Arbeit
and the completely hilarious
Auswärtiges Amt
For hardcore humour check out:
Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands
Christdemokratische Partei Deutschlands
linkspartei.PDS
Bündnis 90/Die Grünen
Wie do not advise you to go to the Freie
Demokratische Partei, as this comedy club is simply overrated.
The guys find themselves very funny, but nobody ever laughs.
Cheers,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Donna Barr from Clallam Bay, WA, USA, wrote:
I laughed, but only at your email address.
German humor just doesn't translate because
nobody but the Germans have so damn much fun with their language.
Es könnte die Pferde scheu machen. (Editor's Translation: It could make your horse blush).
Donna Barr
Fritz from England wrote:
This is not correct ! I have spent 40 minutes and 16 seconds
looking at this website and I only managed to laugh 4 times.
This clearly is not quite good enough as your website clearly
says that it is funny.
At only 1 laugh for every 10 minutes and 4
seconds I feel your efficiency is lacking and would recommend
you try to double your laugh output.
Fritz meinkliertupperbotimz
Dear Fritz meinkliertupperbotimz,
we are slightly shocked. As you well know
from the Allgemeine Humoremissionsrichtlinie (general humour
emissions guideline), which is the German equivalent to the
European guideline with the unpronouncable name, it is not
legal for consumers to expose themselves to humour websites
for more than 20 minutes and 8 seconds at a time.
If you looked for more than 40 minutes,
you have - plainly - broken the law. And, while we are at
it: You will have to admit that you laughed your four times
within the first 20 minutes, didn't you? See? It's not that
we have to double our output, it's that you have to halve
your input.
Still, let us all be cool about it. We
won't mention your name to the German humour control board,
nor to Eurohumpol. And you laugh a bit quicker in the future,
okay?
So long, and thanks for all the tupperbotimz,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Brundhilde Brettschneider from Germany wrote:
Thank you for the poster. Being German, I
got right down to sticking it together and then realised,
you had forgotten to send me a Betriebsanleitung. What am
I supposed to do without a Betriebsanleitung? Should I have
printed them in A4 or A5, there is no clue as to what DIN
number they should have been in. The pages were not even numbered
! Shoddy work I say, even the Swedes can do better than that!
(at least they give you drawings....)
I am seriously now doubting that you are infact,
German! Let me guess ... ex-pats messing around with our fine
German culture for the sake of being humorous!! Frechheit
!!
Well, I am not amused and will be looking
for a paragraph to get this site banned, and if that fails,
I'm sure we have a sign somewhere that will warn people not
to look at it.
Yours stiffly,
Brunhilde Brettschneider
Dear Brunhilde,
thank you for your letter, but we feel
that this is all a big misunderstanding. The Betriebsanleitung
for our poster, which is too heavy to ship, can quite properly
be inspected during customary local office hours in our offshore
production facilities in
79th Fl
Konho Mansion
611 Jianguo Zhong Road
Jiaxing
Zhejiang
China
314000.
Just follow the signs and don't forget
to knock.
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Charles wrote:
As you know, the Germans are the most helpful,
considerate and well mannered people. Even when it comes to
humour they live up to these noble, intellectual and high
ideas, probably covered by a DIN standard. Humour is always
to be found on TV on Fun Freitag (Fun Friday), that is when
the Germans are allowed to let go and laugh and have fun without
fear of the neighbours or the police complaining. One could
suggest that this is also the best time for surgeons to perform
tonsillectomies, as the mouth is generally at its widest aperture,
but unfortunately tonsillectomies are only performed on Wednesdays!
Ha ha ha, you see, now I am also catching the essence of German
humour !
Tschuss,
Charles Sappa
Karl from Köln wrote:
Living in Germany, the Faterland, one has
grown to cherish and love some of the habits of the people.
Firstly the use of the Termos flask. This
is used at all times. Why bother making fresh coffee when
you want it when you can easily dollop out yesterday's mass
production.
Secondly, the use of toilet pans with a shelf.
So practical: You can inspect your pile of shit.
Thirdly, the use of plastic boxes: Why use
the packaging the food comes in, when it is so easy to transfer
everything into properly sealed containers. There is always
a drawer in a German kitchen full of boxes.
Maybe you could explore the fascination Germans
have for dogs, kids and sausages.
Tschuss from Köln,
Karl/Charles
Dear Charles,
what a wealth of
observations. As it happens, our advanced humour engineering
labs currently do have a joke in the works that features a
dog, a kid and a sausage, although not in this order. In the
meantime, we would like to apologize that we had to cut your
letter a bit short due to space reasons. Privately, we particularly
liked your observation #6 (on the use of see-through glasses
to drink lemonade from), #7 (on the use of combs against tousled
hair) and #283 (well, you would not want this to appear on
a family website).
Keep them coming
!
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
01junsh (01gunsh.j@gurychurch.bury.sch.uk) wrote:
U all s*** on smelly hairy german ***** u
***** german *****.
Theodore Knur wrote:
I don't understand your joke. I suppose would
have to be in Germany. To find it funny.
Dear Theodore,
thank you for your
thoughtful input. Yes, we strongly support your views on this
point. To get full rewards from listening to a German joke,
to perform super-efficient punchline spotting and have measurable
results as those described in the German Amtliche Giggle Verordnung
(GAG-V), you have to be a German living in Germany. But not
everybody is so lucky ! This is why we are here to explain
those jokes to you.
So, in order to serve you better, please
specify which joke you did not understand, at what volume
you were listening to it, identify what you think was the
punchline and include a silly photograph of yourself. We are
sure we can help you out. Greetings from Germany !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Daniel Michael Dees from New Zealand wrote:
Ja Hallo,
I must say your site is der besten site in
the world.
Herr Kunz, your efficient voice leaves nothing
else to be desired. Herr Kallenbrecher, even the greatest
comedians fall short when compared to you. You both are fantastic
and the new Pope will be proud of his fellow countrymen.
Germans are funny, my mother is German. My
mother is funny, hence Germans are funny.
Keep up the site. I listen to your jokes everyday!
I would never die for my country, but I would die for you
both. Your humor is the most precios element in the world,
more precious than our children. This is truly the world's
greatest humor!!!
I have sat down trying to write a joke to
your standards .... but it is nearly impossible. Truly God
is being channeled through you both ... this humor is DIVINE
!
Yours,
Daniel
Adrian P. Kendall from Cumberland in Maine wrote:
Sehr geehrte Herren!
I hef red much about ze applikation of ze
"Stossstangenaufkleber" on ze latest "Get Organized!"
("Orgel dich!"??? which I am not understanding HAHAHAHAHA),
but I am not able to find zis sticker anyvere on ze website.
Any Klues? Vat does it look like?
Zank you very much.
Hochachtungsvoll! (mit ze klicking of heels
and a short, quick bow)
A.P. Kendall
Dear Mr Kendall,
you have a really funny accent. Thank
you for your interest in our bumper
sticker. We make these available on request. Please send
us the exact brand, model number and make of your car, the
exact measurements of your bumper (in metric units), and a
photo of yourself next to the car, as required by the German
Straßen Informations Centraldirektion für Klebstoffträgern
im Straßenverkehr (STICKS). We will then immediately
begin production and send you your sticker.
Good luck,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Bertrand Hartman wrote:
Sehr geehrte Herren Kunz and Kallenbrecher,
as a long-time and enthousiatic Rover owner
(I regularly push my car to one of our Rover-club's meetings!)
I was very much amused by your Rover joke of last month.
Unfortunately it appears that in true Teutonian
style, you have meticulously adhered to the regulations of
the German Board for Humourous Entertainment and have removed
this joke from your website, as stipulated in section B, article
12 of the German laughing code. I very much would like to
play it to my German friend Herr Dr. Dr. Geschaeftsreiderer,
so I would be very much obliged if you would be able to send
me a copy of this joke by email.
Have you considered a Chrysler joke too? I'm
sure my friend Dr. Dr. Schrempp would be most amused.
Please keep up your very good work in spreading
German humour all over this increasingly humourless planet
!
Mit freundlichen Gruessen,
Bertrand Hartman
Dear Mr Hartman,
thank you for your
interest in the best of German Humour ! In accordance with
our proprietary German "Accelerated Joke Turnover Method",
we never display the same old joke for longer than, say, a
year. We find this a reasonable timeframe for people to read
it out aloud, analyse it, locate the punchline and explain
it to their family and friends. Still, here is your old
joke.
With best regards,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Bertrand Hartman replied:
Thanks very much for your predictably fast
and efficient reply. It was nice to be able to listen to my
favourite joke again. I particularly like the punch-line about
the windscreen wipers of the Rover breaking down. Very funny
indeeed !
Bertrand Hartman
Well, you can keep telling those super funny German jokes
by yourself. But there is nothing like going native ! Click
on this
fantastic link to get the real experts into your home,
your office or for your dinner dates.
Harry Maurer from Cheshunt, England, wrote:
Dear Editor,
regarding Kristens Question (see below) "What
do you call a German with a sense of humour?"
You call him an Austrian!
Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha
Harald Maurer, Austrian, incarcerated for
the last 30 years in Cheshunt, England
Dear Herr Maurer,
thank you for your
contribution. However, having flipped through “The A-Z
of Great German Comedians”, volume 24, we came across
almost the same punchline. Have you nicked it from there?
Don’t worry, that’s perfectly alright (even if,
strictly speaking, there should be a footnote added to the
joke-explanation. If you please think of that in the future).
To the general public that does not have this very important
oeuvre ready in their bookshelves, here the latest variant
(2b.2) of the same joke:
What do you call a German with a sense
of humour?
Frankfurter!
Hahahahaha!
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
George Kellenbach wrote:
HERR KALLENBRECHER: The Rover joke is funny,
I'm sure, but I do not understand it. Keep up the good work.
Thank you,
George Kellenbach
Jonne from Finland wrote:
Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,
I'm a great fan of your work. Until I experienced
proper German grade humour, I was completely oblivious to
the fact that humour can be improved so much by proper humour
engineering. Thank you !
Jonne aus Finnland
Well, as they say about
us Germans: We get our jokes right the first time, so we do
not have to be nice about fixing them ! Hahahahahahaha,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Joachim Kirsch from Germany wrote:
I thought I had found something great, after
I had heard a positive
message on the radio station I normally listen to on the
autobahn. It is "The German Joke". After opening
it, maybe not in the correct way, I was deeply disappointed.
It is almost a national blame, very simple, primitive and
almost disgusting. On the radio, they were very enthousiastique
about it, but I believe, it was advertising pure. Why these
should be the best and the first German Jokes is a secret
to me.
Dear Joachim,
well, you see, you are German, so you think
that it is easy to put 1000 funny jokes on a website. What
would that bring us? Nothing. There would be jokes without
proper punchline engineering, amateur stuff. We are professionals,
nothing else. Ok?
Keep them Laughing !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
John Ellison from London wrote:
Dear Herrs,
I am still basking in the glow of being one
of your co-winners for my (really very funny) "Goethe
and Faust" joke. And the price of a large
pink pig-head poster was very welcome, to cover a nasty
condensation mark on my wallpaper.
However, I think there is a danger that your
site is becoming too "mainstream". It seems to me
perhaps that the stardom and celebrity of bradcasting on the
world-renowned "Deutschlandradio" may have gone
to your heads? Have you taken your eye off the ball?? (rather
like your very humorous goalkeeper Oliver Kahn on September
1, 2001??) I want your site to remain at the cutting edge
of German comedy and to push the boundaries (this is something
you Germans know a lot about) of German humour to an un-knowing
world .....
Please re-dedicate yourselves to the aim of
thorough and well-engineered German forensic analysis of humour.
There are seveal jokes on your site that seem to have little
German (i.e. crashingly dull and over-analysed) elements to
them .... clearly a worrying development I am sure you will
agree?
Here is something I was told by a German Policeman
on the autobahn in Stuttgart last month - "Der Stoplight
ist kaputt. Wußten Sie das? Gehen Sie bitte aus!"
I am sure it is a very funny German joke, but when I laughed
he did not react too well - am I missing the punchline due
to my inferior German skills??
Thank you - hahahahahahahaha
John in London
Dear Mr Ellison,
thank you very much for sharing your concerns with us, and
yes, they are very close to our hearts. Your little encounter
with the Stuttgart policeman only proves your point. Here
we have a public official who, in clear violation of the rules
of the Deutsches Humorausschlussgebot für den Beamtenstand
von 1643 (DHFDBv1643), makes a joke while on duty. We have
reason to suspect that this is not an isolated case.
What makes this kind of behaviour so deplorable? The policeman's
joke, admittedly, was truly hilarious. But there is a time
for German Jokes, and there is a time for no German Jokes.
While you were getting busted on the autobahn (presumably
for going too slowly in your British car), there just was
no proper time for punchline appreciation, no time for sitting
down and explaining the joke to you, no opportunity for laughter
(as the autobahn of course is a public place).
So, again, our apologies for this policeman's poor sense of
German Humour.
Also, do go faster next time.
Happy New Year !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Duncan from drizzly Disley in Cheshire wrote:
Ihr haben einen ganz tollen Website. Ich hab's
gerade entdeckt. Ich habe auch meine Freunde in Deutschland
und deutschsprachinge Engläner Ihr Website gemailt. Keep
up the good work !!
Greetings from drizzkly Disley in Cheshire,
Duncan
John Ellison from London wrote:
Dear Herrs,
A German friend of mine tells me that the
following list is not at all funny, and is in fact rather
tiresome? Is she right?
5 things you will seldom hear from a German:
1. Kindly allow me to remove my beachtowel
from that sunlounger, so that you may down on it.
2. I think you have made a good and valid
point, and I will adjust my previously dogmatic approach to
the subject accordingly.
3. Our BMW cars, though well engineered and
robustly built, lack that certain design flair and are perhaps
a little "pedestrian" in their overall appeal?
4. The German word for "Father"
is hugely inapproprioate in any type of civilised conversation
and is the most ridiculous thing about our language (apart
from the word "Gemeinschaft" - how can that possibly
mean anthing other than a hole in the ground where you get
coal from??).
5. I realise that German law expressively
prevents me from crossing the road here, rather than at an
approved and properly demarcated crossing point, but let's
just live a little, and dash across while the road is empty
of traffic, shall we?
Thank you for your thoughtful consideration
of this matter, in advance. Yours in expectation,
John in London
Dear Mr Ellison,
greetings to London ! We think you have made a good and valid
point, but you cannot have our sunlounger.
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Ray Palms wrote:
Where are the jokes?
Ray, they are right here
!
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Deirdre Cronan from England wrote:
Verry funny. Not sure what it all means ...
but funny.
Cheers!
Deirdre
Jeane Muray from Latvia wrote:
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Boy, was this funny !
Germany is still recovering from this year's New Year Celebration,
when Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher decided to give back
to their home country - and translate some of their most succesful
jokes back into German. On December 31, at 3 pm MEZ (2 pm
GMT, 9 am EST), listeners all over the world were able to
hear their favoite laughmeisters on the leading German radio
station
Deutschlandradio.
Please note that this program was all in German and made
for a German audience, so it may be funnier than what you
are used to.
 Click
here to listen to German Jokes in German!
Joachim Kirsch from Germany, who also sent us the popular
Lucky
Pig Link, wrote:
One could think that the Germans eat pig heads
all the time and say "Much Pig!" to each other !
The original meaning of the "You Had Much Pig" saying
is that you had something to eat. It always depends on how
you use these things ...
Dear Joachim,
thanks for making that clear. In fact, in
some parts of Germany, you still find the somewhat longer,
original saying, which goes "May You Always Carry Enough
Pig Heads in Your Beach Bag". Understandably, most people
find this too lengthy, and use the modern "Much Pig"
or "Good Pig" saying instead.
Good Pig !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Josh Schonwald from Chicago wrote:
Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbacher (sic!),
I'm an American who recently discovered the
German Joke of the Day site. I love it ! Especially the "What
does your Dad do Joke". Great delivery :)
I'm also writing to see if you might have
some suggestions for a research project I'm working on. I'm
a journalist, based in Chicago, who is actually working on
a project sponsored by the American Council on Germany; I'm
writing a story about German comedy. (YES, as you clearly
know, most Americans, like the Brits, think German comedy
is a contradiction in terms). For evidence, see a late 90's
Beck's commercial. "Germans don't do comedy ... They
do beer."
Anyways, Herrs Kunz and Kallenbacher, as German
funnymen, I was just curious if you have any favorite German
comedians - in your home contry? Who's hot? Who hilarious?
Any ethnic comedians?
And again, I love your site. Hapy to see that
there are now eight German jokes of the day.
Sincerely,
Josh Schonwald
Dear Josh,
thank you very much for your inquiry ! You
know, this is really difficult. Contrary to what many of our
British and American friends think (or have been thinking
before the advent of the German Joke of the Day), there is
a great comedian in virtually every German. It is just that
people do not laugh about them all that much.
Still, for your study, which we are keen
to learn more about, we suggest you concentrate your efforts
on the third funniest German ever (after Herr Kunz and Herr
Kallenbrecher), Didi
Hallervorden. A true master of subtelty and the original
inventor of the "Der Gespielte Witz" format, Didi
also boasts an interesting ethnic background as a caucasian
male.
Yours Sincerely,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Kristen Brown from England wrote:
Hi, I loved looking at your website, it got
to the point where I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Kristen Brown and I'm
a 20 year old English girl. I think the one thing you overlooked
when studying British humour was the high degree of sarcasm
we possess. It is quite frequently mistaken as extreme rudeness
in Germany and that is why you lack the ability to grasp our
humour.
Another thing is that when you came to Britain
to learn about our humour you went to Cambridge!!!!???? No
wonder you were disappointed. The genres of jokes in Britain
differ from region to region and it is in Cambridge where
they fail to provide you with the punch line or if so, it
is in the dialect used from the Shakespearean era. (If you
don't already know, Cambridge is a snobby part of England
and always perceived as having public school-boy humour -
which means it has a rather small target audience).
What do you call a German with a sense of
humour? Herr Larious. How is that none of you are called that?
Tschüß,
Kristen
P.S. I'd like to know which country you think
has the worst sense of humour ... Excluding yourselves of
course! (That was sarcasm and wit by the way!)
Dear Kristen,
thank you for your enquiry about places with
a poor sense of humour. Luckily, at the German Joke of the
Day, we have a copy of the German Encycloaedia Humoristica
right on every desk, and we were happy to look this up for
you. The least funny parts of the world are Northern Tobago
with the exception of Goat Island which is very funny, the
City District Vaucluse-Woollahra in the East Metropolitan
area of Australia, and the Vale of Mowbray in North Yorkshire.
We hope this helps.
Keep laughing, and feel free to contact us
with any further questions you may have !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Felix from Germany wrote:
Hi Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher !
My hero is Dieter Bohlen. He lived in our
old stret in Oldenburg many years ago. His music is outstandingly
boring. It is more than trash. But in real life he is a good
guy, i think. But the best German speaker is Arnold. With
best Greetings,
Yours, Felix
Dilek Yildirim from Düsseldorf wrote:
Hello,
I find your internet page super ! I came across
your site when I was writing a thesis on "How the English
see the Germans", looking for jokes. Can you send me
some of your famous jokes about Germans? Many thanks and good
luck with the webpage.
Dear Dilek,
thank you for your interest in "The
German Joke of the Day". But what do you mean, jokes
about Germans?
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher are the funniest guys to
ever come out of Germany - so it is no surprise that even
other German humour shows sometimes use their expertise. Listen
to THIS
REPORT on a funny Deutschlandradio production called "Neonlicht",
which tells you all the background about the Kunz and Kallenbrecher
website !
Matt wrote:
Dear Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher,
I do not have any explanations of your German
jokes, but I need your advice. I'm wondering if, after determining
that a joke is funny, and it has been existing for a length
of time that exceeds the recommended exposure for the joke,
if there is a way to calibrate the joke so as to increase
its usefulness? I would also be interested if there are any
humor manuals and detailed joke specifications (preferably
in metric units) you know of for international public consumption.
I would also be interested in anything you know about "mechanical
joke automation".
Dear Matt,
well, you seem to hit the nail on the head,
as a very funny German saying goes. But you should not go
around asking questions like that on public websites without
prior reference to our handy manual on "Humour Engineering".
Why the hell have we gone through the trouble of PAINSTAKINGLY
explaining ALL this in the chapters XII-XIII, volume 3, and
chapters V-VI, volume 17? Really.
Still, we are happy to rehash this for you,
and particularly agree with your first point. A lot of jokes
out there now exceed their maximum recommended exposure to
the public. Still, people will publish them or even tell them
in public. The German Ministry for Humor and Related Products
Exports (MHRPE) has long taken up this cause, and for good
reason we might add, but no international treaty seems to
be in sight.
The solution: The world needs more jokes
that carry indefinite recommended exposure limits. You will
notice that in our joke collection on this website, we concentrate
our efforts on four jokes, and only four jokes. They all have
stood the test of time. They can be told again and again and
still have an exactly similar effect on their audience. We
call this "joke stability".
Good luck with your further studies,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Claus-Hermann Philipps, Bockenem, wrote:
Gosh, bloody hell, what have you done to my
friends,
well, I am a fucking German as you might be.
However at least I've got a fucking good British name and
I do presume what I am talking about is at least reasonable.
Recently while browsing the fucking net I found a brilliant
webpage in Canada: WWW.INGEB.ORG
!
I tell you what now simply click the button
and have a brief look on what German brain did put out in
the glorious past and join in ...
Selbstverständlich dürfen Sie mir
in fucking old German language antworten.
Mit freundlichem Gruß/Kind Regards !
Fucking great songs !
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Katy Wright, 14, USA, wrote:
Greetings from Indiana,
My father, an engineer, works alongside many
Germans and other Europeans when he travels on business. My
dad, a jokester by nature, says witty and remarkably funny
jokes to anyone in the room, mostly Germans. But I've noticed
that no Germans laugh at any of his jokes ... they don't understand
them, or think they're funny, while everyone else in the room
bursts out laughing. Why is this?
I think that all jokes should make sense.
When I visited your website, you did make me smile, but none
of your jokes could compare to quality humor. I don't mean
to sound rude or anything, I'm just expressing my opinion.
If you'd like, you can have some of my jokes.
I would like to learn more about German humor,
and what you find funny and compare it to what I think is
funny.
Katy Wright, 14, USA, wrote 25 minutes later:
Funny Krauts,
I, Katy Wright of Indiana, at 14 years of
age, challenge you to a duel !
I challenge you to a duel of humor: American
vs. German jokes. Please email me directly if you have the
guts to accept! We can have it on your website if you wish,
or not if you'd rather. Let's see who's really funnier ...
let the public decide !
Accept if you dare !
Hello Katy,
thank you very much for your recent Emails.
Yes, we are aware of the problem you mention. People will
tell their jokes in a room full of mixed nationalities, and
everybody laughs - just not the Germans. This has many reasons.
For one, in Germany, lifelong exposure to super high quality,
"German Grade" humour can dumb down the ability
to laugh about just any old joke. It is not that we are rude,
no way, just that we are used to more stimulation in the humour
center of our brains. Also, in Germany, we know that laughing
is not the only possible reaction to a good joke. Thoughtful
nodding may be another one. Or turning to your neighbor, saying:
"Oh, a good joke".
Still, with your father an engineer, we have
no doubt that you have all the right stuff to construct proper
jokes. Maybe you have just been working on the wrong material
! Maybe you just forgot the punchline ! These things can be
tricky to spot, but are easily mended.
So here is our offer: Send us some of your
best jokes, tell us why you think people should laugh about
them - and we will fix them for you ! Naturally, we will not
charge anything for this service, because we feel it is our
duty to spread the best of German humour. And it will all
be published.
What a wonderful challenge,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Angela, Singapore, wrote:
Simplified version for american visitors?
What about vegetarian version compared to german size portions
of meat! American meat portions are vegetarian size compared
to how germans eat meat!
Don Ware, USA wrote:
Simplified German Jokes for Americans? Oh
Please !
... Don, it is all online here
Reiner, Chicago wrote:
Dear friends, I am very inspired
by your selection of German Jokes. Originally, I am from the
Old World, from Germany. I am working with many descendants
from Germany in business here in Chicago. Please send me more
of this, if you have books or CD even better. Here is my address.
Thank you.
Roy Hammond, USA, wrote:
There is a dead horse joke
going around .... entitled ... Beating a dead horse ...From
the American Indian Group (the Dakotas), there is a tribal
wisdom that when you discover you are riding a dead horse,
the best strategy is to dimount. However, in business we often
try other strategies with dead horses, including the following
... click here for
really funny horse humour...
Kirsten, Bemidji, MN, USA wrote:
Hi ! My name is Kirsten Huewe, and I am in
German class @ the Bemidji High School. See: Ich bin Kirsten
Huewe. I know more but spelling is hard. So I am doing a report
in German so will you please send me three jokes in German
and in English? Send them to me at (Email). Danke !
Hello Kirsten,
thank you for your interest in the best of
German humour. You are obviously enjoying a world class education
in your high school. See, in Germany we know that the most
important thing to achieve controlled laughter after appreciating
a joke is a matching punchline. In our patented Humour Matrix
TM system, people will soon be able
to engineer their own jokes right on our website, but in the
meantime, here are your 3 jokes.
Good luck with your studies,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Chow, Hongkong, wrote:
Dear Gentlemen, Is there any meaning
behind the horse joke, manchester united joke, pig joke and
duck joke? Thanks.
Dear Mr. Chow,
thank you very much for your interest in
the four jokes you mentioned. At the German Joke of the Day.com,
we are not currently aware of anything meaningful on our site
and have in the past strongly objected to suggestions to the
opposite. In case we are made aware of any unintended meaningfulness,
it is our policy to remove the joke indefinitely and completely.
Yours Sincerely,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Mayyy, USA, wrote:
Hey, how are you!!? I hope your
doing well ...My name is May writing you from the U.S. I was
wondering if you could please send me a few jokes. Its to
prove to some people that German people have a good sense
of humour. Any kind of joke is fine. I really hope to hear
from you soon.
Hello Mayyy,
thank you very much for your recent Email.
We are delighted to welcome you in the world of German humour.
Still, as you are no doubt aware, the German Department of
National Humour Classification and Preservation has recently
levied heavy fines on anyone who exports laughter-grade jokes
and related products from Germany. So we have to be more careful
than ever.
Guten Tag,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
Lawrence R. Nelson, USA, wrote:
What do Bavarians and Texans have
in common? They both buy their own souvenirs ...
Dear Sir,
we appreciate your recent joke donation,
and have forwarded it to our Central Joke Analysis and Depository
for further analysis. Pending their reply, we should be able
to tell you whether it is funny in about 14-36 business days.
We could, however, not find an explanation for the joke anywhere
in your email ... did you forget to attach it?
Thanks in advance and Guten Tag,
Herr Kunz and Herr Kallenbrecher
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